How To Save Your
It is now estimated that the divorce rate or separation figures in America alone has reached a staggering 50% of which most are sadly never resolved, yet with a bit of effort most of these breakups could have been avoided.
At the start of your relationship, you probably think your marriage or relationship will last forever and you will live happily ever after.
But a long term successful relationship needs to be worked at, and it requires a strong commitment from both partners, but it is well worth the effort, because the last thing you want is to throw everything away, without giving things a real good go.
Before you try to save your relationship, you both need to sit down calmly and decide whether you're both fully committed to making your relationship work.
You will also need a to have a good relationship with yourself, it is important that you go about saving your relationship with a clear head and a calm attitude and approach.
Some of the ingredients for a successful relationship are
- Respect for each other
- Being nice to each other
- Understanding of each other and each others problems
Making up is easier than breaking up
It is a lot easier and far less painful, to work on saving your relationship, than it is to go through the agony of splitting up.
If your partner has been abusing you or treating you bad, then you should maybe consider moving on, but if you have had a good relationship, then it is well worth making the effort to try and save your relationship, because a relationship breakup, is one of the hardest things to deal with and overcome.
When you do get your love live back on track, you want to avoid complacency and you definitely want to make sure that you don't allow your old problems and insecurities to creep back up and spoil your new found happiness and bliss.
You also need to make sure that you improve it as well, because for both of your sakes, you do not want your old relationship issues to surface a few months down the line.
Be prepared to listen to each other
A relationship is a joint venture, and although there will be a lot that you can do yourself to, you might also need to try and sit down, without trying to judge or blame each other and attempt to solve your relationship issues together.
If you can, be open to and listen to your partner's issues, wants and concerns, try to agree in a civil manner, on what type of relationship you both want.
Because the both of you, might still feel a bit angry or upset and especially if your relationship is a bit fragile at the moment, then it will be advisable and more productive to try and work things out, when you are both feeling a bit more relax.
It can help to discuss things in a public place, as this can reduce the risk of things becoming too heated, if you can both sit down and talk in calm way, then this will be the first step to improving your relationship and it will give you an opportunity to make things even better than before.
People speak and act with their emotions, if you are both feeling angry or frustrated, then you will end up saying things that you may later regret.
This is why a cool head is needed to sort out your relationship issues, because when you hurt your partner, you hurt yourself too.
Prevention is better than a cure
Very few people give little consideration about, how to keep their relationship thriving and how best to survive, avoid or come through the bad times stronger than before, which is a common mistake.
However, that is not always the case, mainly because we are never given any guidelines or advice about, how to make a relationship last.
Probably the biggest mistake we make is, we become blinded by love and many of us think that love is enough to make our relationship last.
But maintaining a happy and healthy relationship is sometimes easier said than done, and although we all love to read about or watch a love story, sometimes our own love story falls short of our expectations and desires.
After the honeymoon period is over, things can change as we begin to learn more and more about our partners and they discover more about us.
The initial love and passion can soon turn into normality, where we allow our insecurities, our egos and our bad habits to kick in.
We may spend a lot of time with each other, but many people in a relationship do not get to know each other as well as maybe they should.
Although people love each other, some people have trouble expressing their love and even more importantly.
They never stop to find out what sort of things that they might be doing that they might not even be aware of that hurts or upsets their partners or leaves them feeling unappreciated.
Sometimes to help fix a broken relationship you have to be prepared to work at it and get to know and understand your partner better and learn more about each others likes and dislikes.
No relationship is perfect, and every single relationship has its ups and downs, so during the bad times both partners have to be sensible and not say or do anything they might later regret.
The wedding vows state, for better or worse, so you sometimes have to ride the storm and allow things to cool down, because you cannot sort things out until you're both in a calmer and better mood.
A good healthy relationship is a joint effort, you both need to be kind, thoughtful and considerate towards each other.
You should both understand each others needs and requirements and to make a relationship work, you should be interested in each other.
If you have any insecurities or fears about you and your relationship, then these will need addressing or releasing, because fear and insecurity is the biggest relationship killer.
An argument is not the end of the world
After the first argument or, we can soon start to discover that are partners are not perfect.
As time moves on, especially if you find yourself arguing a lot or disagreeing with each other, it can start to put a wedge in-between you and the arguments and differences of opinions can prove harder and harder to resolve.
We can also start to seem to pay our partners less attention than we did at the start, when really you should start as you mean to go on.
You or your partner may also start to say things that you wouldn't have said at the start of the relationship, and the once positive language and best
Try to avoid statements that you know will lead to an argument or conflict, and if you have something on your mind, discuss it with your partner rather than just making assumptions.
Often when we want something to change in our relationship, we use negative statements to get our point across.
But that rarely helps us to get what we want, and it can result in exactly the opposite, or at best a forced change.
There are better ways of getting what you want, and it is always better to try a positive approach.
So, instead of saying things that start with you never
"You never listen/talk to me anymore"
Re-frame it to something like,
"Wouldn't be nice to spend some time together and have a nice chat"
If you find yourself about to say something that starts with the word you're always
"You're always having a go at me"
Re-frame it to something like
" Wouldn't be nice not argue anymore"
"Life would be a lot easier if we got on better"
If you go rushing in with negative words like, never or always, then it will cause a bad reaction, and your partner will either clam up or it will end up in another argument.
But if you use positive words, then it should result in a better and more positive outcome.
Another thing to watch out for is, jumping to conclusions, at times of uncertainty, we often tend to believe our imagination, even though we have not got any real evidence to support our beliefs.
Your brain is very good at making things up or filling in the blanks, when it is not knowing the truth.
Also, try and avoid accusing and blaming each other or taking things out on each other because you're having a bad day or you feel upset.
Because sometimes we can allow our own bad moods, frustrations, stress and problems to filter out in our relationship.
Some experts say relationships take hard work, and although you should make an effort, you should not have to work hard, you should just focus on making sure both of you are happy and content.
You both need to listen to, appreciate, respect and value each other. If you disagree or disapprove each other, try to sensibly resolve things without launching into a fallout blown argument.
You will both benefit from a good loving and healthy relationship
A bad relationship full of bickering and resentment is neither healthy or good for both of you, therefore it is important to try and make your relationship work.
Because, a good healthy relationship can help to make you feel good and boost your self esteem and it is one of basic emotional needs, it can also keep you happy and healthy.
Statistics show that couples who have a great and a happy, healthy relationship, can live longer lives.
Although at the start of a relationship
As your relationship becomes longer term it can help to do a bit of extra work to maintain a healthy and loving relationship.
It takes two fully committed people to make a relationship work and a little bit of researching and learning the skills to keep your relationship healthy and alive can be well worth the effort. A lack of commitment or too much complacency can lead to a relationship breakdown.
Most people do not make an effort to make their relationship work until they have already reached a point where it has gotten too bad, then they go out of their way to do what they can to save their relationship, this then can cause you to try to hard which can make things even worse.
The key is to not allow things to get too bad before you decide to do something about it, so why not make that extra effort before things have gone stale and stagnant.
When we first meet somebody new we go out of the way to impress them, we treat them special, we listen to them and we want nothing more than to be with them,
Putting them first is our number one priority, you would not be nasty or insulting to them on your first date, so don't treat them badly later on.
These traits should not change as the relationship progresses. Although it is hard work to maintain the initial passion and attention we need to give to each other, you have to be careful you don't go too far the other way and you begin to neglect each other.
1) Decide whether your relationship is worth saving
Your first decision should be, do you really want to save your relationship and is it worth you making an effort to save it.
Sometimes a relationship will have already run its course to the point where it becomes more of a relationship of convenience by one or both partners because they are maybe still in denial of the truth.
There is little point in staying in an unhappy relationship, especially if you have been treated badly or you have been taken for granted.
If you're trying to save your relationship for all the wrong reasons then your going to trap yourself in a loveless relationship that will probably not improve much in the long term which can have a negative long term impact on your health and well-being.
Relationships have to happen naturally and you cannot force someone to love and stay with you. If that is the case then you deserve better and you deserved to be loved and appreciated, however the majority of relationships are worth saving and with a bit of a change in attitude you can rekindle your relationship.
Sometimes people stay in a stale relationship because they fear being single or they fear they might not meet anybody else, but there is always someone else out there and if your in a bad relationship then it can be better being on your own.
2) Pay some attention to yourself
If you decide your relationship is worth saving then the first thing you need to do is to take a look at yourself, ask yourself could you have done more to make your relationship better.
The golden rule is, if you do sort things out, make sure you don't make the same mistakes again, otherwise you will end back up at square one.
This does not mean you should blame yourself, just see what area's you could improve on your relationship.
You may need to spend some time working on yourself, if you have been in a bad mood or you have been feeling stressed or angry then this can have a damaging impact on your relationship.
Sometime a relationship hits difficulties when you spend too much time worrying about your partner and your relationship and spending too much time thinking about things going wrong or why things aren't working which can cause tension in yourself and it can bring more tension to your relationship/
It would be far more productive if you gave your attention to things that don't make you feel bad or angry and you thought about more meaningful and beneficial things.
Also learn to love and like yourself because if you don't, then how can you expect somebody to love you back.
Takes some time to pamper yourself, do the things you like doing, be more self indulgent and have some fun and enjoyment, fix yourself and your relationship will eventually take care of itself.
Learning to meditate and to try and take your mind off your relationship issues and put it on putting things right can help to take off some of the pent up pressure and tension as well as helping you to relax, which can have a positive impact on your relationship.
Treat yourself well, like yourself and respect yourself, if you don't like yourself or treat yourself well then how can you expect others to treat you well.
If you wish to save your relationship, then be happy, love yourself unconditionally, then others will want to be around you more.
3) Avoid getting complacent
After the honeymoon period is over we are all a little bit guilty of falling into the complacency and taking each other for granted trap.
Ask yourself? Have you been taking your partner for granted, have you stopped paying them so much attention as you used to or have you stopped being spontaneous and become a little too predictable and set in your ways.
Try and be a bit more considerate and appreciative towards your partner, people like to feel appreciated.
Ask your partner what they like to do, try taking up new interests and activities together, try and introduce a bit more passion and sparkle in your relationship, an element of surprise every now and again can do wonders.
Having some mini breaks away can put the sparkle back into your life as can buying them some small presents and gifts from time to time.
4) Has your relationship and life become more of a routine
Like everything else in life when you repeat doing the same things over and over
Life should be exciting and enjoyable, you have to bare in mind that you are going to be spending a large part of your life together so you need to keep that spark and magic alive.
It can be bad enough having to do a boring repetitive job, the last thing that you want is to allow your relationship to become routine and dull.
People tend to do the same things week in week out, sometimes we need to be more active, outgoing.
Try and do different things from time to time, visit different places together, add a few pleasant unplanned surprises every now and again.
Being a little bit more spontaneous and adventurous can do wonders to your relationship, if you want to keep your partner happy then you may need to break the normal habits and patterns of
You don't have to both go to bed and wake up at the same time, you have not got to stick to doing things in the same order and at the same time each day.
5) Agree to disagree
It is very hard to sustain a long relationship without having the odd disagreement now and again and in some ways it's not ideal to agree on everything after
You can disagree without all the unnecessary shouting and it is pretty common in long term relationships to disagree
We all have off days and we may feel irradiated and
When people are feeling a bit overwhelmed, under pressure or
So just because you disagree or have the occasional argument this does not always indicate that there is a problem that needs sorting out or there is something wrong with your relationship, it could be more of a case you or your partner needs time to relax and unwind.
Having a disagreement is perfectly normal and instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill accept that you're going to disagree with each other from time to time and try not to make a big deal out of it.
So learn to love your partner even if you don't always fully agree on every subject and learn to talk about the things you don't agree about in a sensible, honest but a non confrontational manner.
Although you should make it your policy to agree to disagree at times try to avoid heated full blown arguments.
For the sake of your relationship, learn to walk away from confrontation, go off and relax and let the angry emotion subside otherwise the emotion will cause you to have more angry thoughts.
It is far better to calm down and let the matter go than it is to allow the anger to build up to a point where you are plotting and planning ways to seek revenge or and retribution about get the better of your partner.
When you both decide to sensibly sit down and talk things through, take it in turns to point your point of view across.
Have your say for a brief period, then let your partner have their turn and carry this on taking time to allow each other to talk.
6) Avoid to much nagging, criticizing and complaining
Life can be at time stressful and these days and in many situations to ease the financial pressure many couples are either both having to work or one has to work long hours and with the added pressures of trying to maintain a home and bring up children it can leave you or your partner feeling overwhelmed which can lead to a buildup of tension and pressure.
When you or your partner are feeling tired, distracted and overwhelmed by your financial or household situations and responsibilities it can lead to people becoming frustrated, irritated and angry.
When you're in a negative mood and mindset it can cause you or your partner to become critical, appear nasty, niggle which can result in a lot nagging and hurtful remarks and comments that will only make matters worst.
Even though you may love our partner or they still love you it can feel far from it from the one on the receiving end of the endless nagging and criticism.
Endless nagging, criticism and complaining will eventually take a toll on your relationship and your partner.
Sometime you may need to step back and pause before you say something that you may later regret and you may need to be more mindful to whether or not your hurting your partner or turning them off you.
Both parties need to allow more time or develop more patience as well as learning and practicing better communication skills, be more understanding and change any bad or destructive habits, patterns or mannerisms.
By learning how to relax more and becoming a bit more mindful, respectful and considerate instead of reacting in a negative and destructive way can only help to benefit your relationship.
This way you can strengthen your relationship and improve your own emotional well-being and health and at the same time bringing you both closer together instead of pushing you further apart.
If you're constantly and endlessly complaining, nagging or criticizing, especially if it's about the same old things, then perhaps you should start to change these destructive patterns of
If you find yourself putting your partner down because you're feeling tense or it makes you feel temporarily good because you have released some of that pent up anger or tension, then you need to find better and alternative ways to relax and feel good.
The same applies if you lash out at your partner to satisfy your own personal ego or pride. People like to feel encouraged, listened to, made to feel loved, wanted and worthy, not put down or criticized all the time.
If you're on the receiving end of a lot of nagging, complaining and criticism, then you need to let your partner know how you feel and talk things over clearly letting them know you're not prepared to carry on being treated badly.
7) Do not try to change or control your partner
Are you or have you been unreasonable in your
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is wanting everything your own way or assuming you are always right, you cannot force your opinions or idea's onto your partner, it is not wise to try and bring them round to your way of thinking all the time.
Avoid trying to mold them into something that conforms to your beliefs or likes, your partner as committed a large part of their life to be with you so always be grateful and appreciative for that.
When you're out socializing,
Because relationships won't work if you are trying to control the actions of your partner, everybody see's things differently and thinks differently.
We are all individuals, showing respect, appreciation and being nice is by far the best option, because the more you give the more you will receive back from them.
8) Express Your Feelings
Sometimes it can pay to express your feelings and appreciation in the form of words and actions and it's not all about words.
Being kind and considerate and treating your partner with a day out or a few gifts can help to show you still care, try to put some sparkle back into your relationship.
Try switching your thinking of your relationship not working, because the more you focus on the bad things about your relationship the more you will be moving all your energy and attention onto breaking up.
If you can, try and focus on things improving, if you find that too hard just go general with your thinking and forget about all your current troubles.
This will take all the pressure off yourself and it will put you in a better feeling place which will give you a better chance of working things out.
9) Still pursue your own hobbies and interests
All though it is a good idea to give and take a little in your relationship, and being kind and considerate is always a good policy, that does not mean that you should have to compromise and give up everything just to please somebody else.
To make a relationship work you both need to be happy and if you think that you have to compromise and give up all your hobbies and interests to please your partner, then that will still leave you feeling a bit resentful and dissatisfied.
Long term, it cannot be a good idea to sacrifice doing something you like just to end arguments and disputes, the idea is to keep your partner happy because if they are happy then that can only improve their relationship with you, so everybody wins.
When you give someone an ultimatum like, choose between me and your hobby or interests, then that will put more strain on your relationship.
If they are spending all their time pursuing their own interests, careers and likes then that is a bit different, but no one should have to compromise.
You can pursue your own individual paths and still have time for each other, so long as you have got trusts, then there is no reasons why you should have to do everything together, that may initial work at the start, but it is not always a recipe for a successful relationship long term unless you both like doing the same things.
10) Don't twist things around to conform to your own beliefs
You cannot change your partner the only person we can change is ourselves, many relationships break down through our unwillingness to see the other person's side of the story.
Listen carefully to what your partner has to say, people can easily misinterpret what the other person is trying to say, sometimes we only hear what we want to hear, this is known as selective listening.
This happens more when things have been a bit heated or there has been something on your mind regarding your partner's
When people have a disagreement or difference of opinions they tend to just pick out the bits that they think conform to their perceptions of things which is entirely one side based and often flawed.
We can easily miss-read a situation, especially if we have let our imagination run riot about what we think our partner has done wrong, don't always trust your imagination or you could be heading for trouble.
This one sided view is usually totally the opposite to what the other one said and really meant, but we don't listen to the rest once we have made our minds up.
So it pays to listen and not just make presumptions which are only based on what you have been looking for, always remember if you look for problems you usually find them even when there aren't any.
11) Don't Allow Outside Influences To Interfere
The stress of the modern day life and financial difficulties has been listed as to some of the main reasons relationships are breaking down amongst other things. The high price of property and buying your own house has put untold pressure on many young couples.
Marriage guidance and counselling can benefit some couples, however, this can be expensive and it does not always work and the high cost of marriage guidance will only add to the already
The stresses of bringing up children can if you let it put a strain on your relationship. Your emotional state and your attitude can be the difference between a happy and successful relationship and one that is doomed to failure.
When we are feeling stressed and our mind and body is full of tension our thought patterns will match our mood and this will lead to thoughts and feelings of resentment and even hatred, leaving you hell bent on getting one over your partner, in this state all you see is the bad.
Yet when we shift into a happier and relaxed frame of mind and state of the body, our whole attitude and thought processes can change and we then see our partners in a completely different light.
Positive emotions are associated with love and optimism, negative emotions are associated with hate, fear, resentment and doom and gloom.
Every couple needs some quality time they can spend alone without the burden of the kids coming between you, so if you can send the kids off to their grandparents for the occasional weekend now and again.
Also, be careful when you're discussing your personal problems with friend and family because what they advice might not always be in the best interests for you,
Sometimes other people's opinions can be good advice, other times they opinions are based around their own experiences and perceptions.
12) A temporary cooling off period can help
If you have reached a point of stalemate and all else has failed, then sometimes a temporary separation can just take the pressure off both of you can help you to sort out your relationships, and very often is the case, you don't know what good you had until it's gone.
You don't want a total separation where you lose touch and contact with each other, just a short period of time apart so you can both de-stress and calm down.
If you choose this route it can be beneficial to still meet up see each other once or twice a week just to keep in touch with each other.
Turn back the clocks and start to date each other, like when you first met, go to the cinema a restaurant or for a few days out.
Some people choose to take a holiday instead of a temporary separation to try and rekindle the old passion which has been lost with all the emotional strains some relationships experience.
We can all tend to become complacent and even begin to neglect ourselves so there is no harm in getting into shape and doing some exercise or going to the gym.
Although you may be convinced your marriage is falling apart and it is destined for failure, there are a lot of measures which you can both take to stave off the expensive counselling and the misery and hardship that divorce and separation can have on both of you and your children if you have any.
No matter what the circumstances and regardless of who is to blame there is very rarely such a circumstance of a hopeless case where the relationship cannot be saved.
Communication is a vital element in making your relationship work, and it's not just about talking about your relationship difficulties and your difference of opinions either.
Sometimes the small talk and everyday communication that is missing in a relationship, especially if the one or both partners have to work long hours.
It can be easy to start to neglect your partner, so make an effort to listen to what they have to say and pay them a bit of attention and ask them things like how their day went, what they have been up to or ask them how they are feeling, or just engage in everyday general chit chat.
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