Dealing With An Affair And Getting Through And Over Infidelity
Your worst nightmares, has just come true, because you have just found out that your partner has been having an affair.
All of a sudden, you feel as if your whole world has been rocked and turned upside down.
The first stage is shock and disbelief, the second stage is anger or hurt.
Finding out that your partner has been seeing someone else, is one hell of a bombshell and life changing experience that is tough for anyone, to stomach and deal with.
You might have already known and suspected, but sometimes it can come as a bolt out of the blue, either way, it will rock your world and cause you a lot of hurt and mixed emotions.
Part of you might switch to denial mode, because you're frightened of knowing the real truth.
You may have already noticed that your partner has changed, or they are acting differently or suspicious.
But, there will be a part of you, who does not want to know, because deep down, you're hoping it is all a big mistake.
After all, this is your life and the love of your life, and if you were happy, you won't want it to change.
You can survive infidelity
Can a relationship survive an affair, yes it can, but it's not all straight forward, affairs are a traumatic experience to deal with, there will cause you much emotional hurt and grief, you cannot just block out the memory and hurt and carry on as if nothing has happened.
You might think you can just forget about it and move on but in reality, it's not that simple, first you have to free yourself from the bad experience, then you have to develop trust in your partner again.
Because even if you agree to get back together and everything seems blissful to start with, you will still have the traumatic memories stored in the back of your mind which can surface at any time in the future to influence your thinking, actions and behaviors.
Because it's not just the initial shock of discovering your partner has been cheating on you that you will have to deal with, the physiological damage can haunt you and scar you for many years to come.
The negative experience can affect you in two ways, if you have your partner back it can cause you not to really trust them again and even if you end your relationship the pain you had to endure can put you off trusting anybody else because you can become afraid of being hurt again.
Whatever your decision, you need to deal with the emotional overwhelm and the painful negative memories.
Negative memories which are emotionally charged can torment us indefinitely if we allow them to, try at all cost not to picture your partner and the person they are having an affair with. It will only hurt you if you keep on trying to envisage with your imagination what they got up to when they were together.
Another common thing people do, is they convince themselves that they were inadequate in some departments.
There Is A Lot To Deal With
Finding out you've been cheated on is hard enough, but on top of this you will have to put on a brave face so you can carry on with your life and face the people you have to frequent with on a daily basis when really all you will probably want to do is to be left alone.
The last thing you want is to keep explaining to everybody what happened.
If you're being cheated on or you have been cheated on then you will be feeling very angry, upset and hurt.
It can happen out of the blue, you can be sailing along thinking everything is fine when suddenly your whole world is rocked and turned upside. Your emotional state can switch in one heartbreaking life shattering moment.
The sudden realization that your partner has cheated on you can put you in an emotional state of turmoil, shock and despair, it can hit you like a ton of bricks, it is often something you did not expect or prepare for.
If you have been cheated on then your first priority is the welfare of yourself and your children if you have any.
There is no easy way of dealing with an affair, if you are having trouble handling the whole situation, then seek professional help or talk to a friend because it can be hard to deal with the initial first stages by yourself, because in these times of mixed emotions you will need all the help and support you can get.
Sometimes it can prove better to speak to an independent party rather than talking to a well meaning friend who might not give you the advice you really want to hear.
It's all very well, somebody telling you if it was me, I would do this or that with them. But no one is really entitled to give an opinion until it happens to them, and it does not matter what your friends or family think, what is most important is your own well-being.
In the end what you decide to do has to be your decision based on what you deep down think is best for you.
The person who embarks on the affair has no idea of the pain, grief, shame and embarrassment they inflict on their partners.
The emotional damage of being on the receiving end of infidelity can be life lasting, all the lies and the betrayal can be hard to stomach let alone forgive, but if you choose to give your relationship another go then you have to forgive and forget for your own benefit.
Initially, you're going to feel very angry, to overcome the anger stage, you either have to confront your partner, and tell him/her you know or suspect, and you want it sorted out and resolved immediately.
Because the last thing you want is to allow your anger to simmer on the inside.
Also, accept the situation, and again, let you know that you're going to resolve it, one way or another.
Because if you do not resolve the matter immediately, you will create more and more anger and resentment.
Your situation needs sorting straight away, so you can accept it and either, you let it go or end the relationship.
Unless you have hard evidence or your partner admits it, asking him/her about it might not necessarily get you the truth.
If you question them, there is a chance that they might deny it or lie.
Take Your Time To Think Things Through
Forgiving is easy, forgetting and letting it go is a lot harder, but it is important to put the whole thing behind you, there are no gains in dwelling on what happened or whose fault it was.
If you're going to make a fresh start, then the sooner you forget about it and focus only on the now and the future the better.
You may need a bit of time to get your emotions under control, give yourself some space to think things through clearly, there is no need to rush into making a decision.
One of the worst things you can do is to beg your partner to come back to you, getting back together has to be done on mutual terms, your self esteem may already be dented, do not make it any lower.
If you're considering trying to save your relationship avoid going chasing after them, play it casual, have them back on your terms. It is hard to make the right decision when your emotions are all over the place.
Giving your relationship another try should be something you both want and you both agree to, if it is the first time and your partner is full of remorse and regret then it may well be worth giving them one more chance.
Everybody makes mistakes, they shouldn't, but humans do, it can be silly to allow one mistake to spoil everything you have worked for.
With time you can forgive someone for a one off foolish mistake, if however it happens again that is unacceptable and it is probably time to end the relationship.
Before you give it another go, make sure they have ended their affair first and you have their word, it won't happen again, let them know there won't be another chance after this one.
When there is children involved or your relationship was generally good, then it is certainly worth considering trying to save it.
Do not blame yourself, there are no excuses for having an affair, there may be things that you both need to work on, but don't go thinking it's all your fault.
Perhaps there may be or there may have been some warning signs that you might have missed, has your partner mentioned recently that they are not happy, have you not been getting on, have they been subtle trying to tell you they felt there was something wrong with the relationship.
Because all relationships need working on, it is up to both parties to keep the relationship alive, complacency and thinking just because your settled that you are going to live happily ever after can result in future problems.
If you suspect something is wrong and our instinct can point this out for us then it is better to approach your partner with your concerns as early as possible before things go too far.
If you want help dealing with the emotional trauma of finding out you have been cheated on, then the link below can help you to process the emotions and help you to survive infidelity and even turn your relationship around.
An Affair Does Not Mean It Is The End Of Your Relationship
You can survive infidelity if both parties make a conscious effort to improve the relationship. Affairs do not necessarily mean that it is the end of your relationship.
Be careful not to go out and have an affair yourself just to spite your partner, because it's not what you want at the present moment and revenge won't really make you feel any better, plus you run the risk of unwanted pregnancies.
Relationships are a joint effort so you both need to try and work out where and why things went wrong so you make absolutely sure it does not happen again.
What you don't really want to do is drag up and talk about the actual affair, avoid asking any questions especially comparison based ones.
Another important thing to remember is do not throw it all back in your partners face every time you have an argument or disagreement.
If you're both fully committed and you can find it in your heart to forgive and let it go then you can come through this and it can even make your relationship stronger.
So your first decision is you have to decide if you think your relationship is worth rescuing or do you want to end it, whatever your decision, you still need to come to terms with life after the affair emotionally because it's not just about your partner you also have to deal with your own feelings of shame, anger, resentment and pride.
When You Know Something Is Wrong
Sometimes you don't see it coming, you may already have a hunch and gut feeling that you know something is not right or you may find out by chance.
Either way it comes as a shock, especially if you thought everything in your relationship was fine.
Your first response is anger and hurt at the betrayal, how could they and why is a normal response you ask yourself. If you know already, but your partner does not know you know then at some point you need to confront them, there is nothing
You may get different responses, they may deny it and tell you they were working late or our with their mates.
Even though you may have a gut intuition, it can become confusing for you, a part of you wants to believe them.
Deep down want to know you have got your judgement's wrong, but your intuition, which is a powerful force will tell you different.
Perhaps you are scared of hearing what you don't want to hear so you choose to blank it out, you may even start to believe their side of the story even though deep down you know they are lying to you because that's really want you want to believe.
You can even convince yourself that perhaps they are telling the truth, even though, deep down know
Sometimes you don't really want to hear or accept the truth.
Sometime a trial separation or cooling off period is a good idea, your main concern. Put yourself first, if you can get away for a while.
Sometimes for a short while you may need some time for yourself because it can be like grieving period, others may need the company of their family or friends.
Forget about your partner as much as you can and focus on yourself, pamper yourself, try and occupy your mind off your troubles as much as possible.
Another important issue is do you tell anybody else or do you keep it to yourself.
The initial reaction is to condemn your partner to everybody, but consider this very carefully. If you do get back together do you want everybody to know what happened, initially you may have to confide in your family and very close friends, but you don't want to be the focal point of the local gossip.
Do Not Always Trust Your Imagination
If you have decided to give your relationship another go then there will still be things you need to deal with yourself, the biggest issues and challenge you will probably have to face is, can you trust your partner and can you trust in your own imagination and perceptions.
After any bad experience your mind will try and protect you to make sure you avoid experiencing all the same emotional pain and anger again, the trouble is it does not always get things right.
The problem is when you get suspicious and you're stuck in a state of not knowing we tend to hand over control to the imagination and the emotional hurt and arousal caused by the imagination can cause you more stress and pain than the actual situation for real.
This can prove to be a difficult area to deal with, your mind will be alert to anything, it perceives as being suspicious in the future. Because you will already know the common signs of being cheated on, you can fall into the trap of miss reading a situation.
The problem is how do you regain the trust, you cannot keep your partner looked up indoors, you cannot be with them twenty hours a day either. So at some point you have to develop trust in them when they want to go out on their own.
For your own sake you must try and avoid worrying or trying to second guess what they are doing, because you don't want to end up phoning or texting them every hour just to check up on them.
Questioning and checking on them can put a strain on your relationship.
Once you have been cheated on once you may start to fear it happening again, your imagination can begin to play tricks on you, because the mind views things from the worst case scenario your perception of what's going on may not actually be the truth.
Before you discovered they had the affair you probably would not think twice about what they were getting up to, but once it has happened you can if you're not careful become too suspicious where you can end up completely misjudging a situation when everything is really fine.
Your partner may be genuinely telling you the truth, they may be totally innocent when they are just having an innocent night out with their friends.
Your problem that you have to deal with is, do you trust your partner or your imagination, because your imagination can throw up all sorts of scenarios, remember your imagination does not always represent the true picture.
If you follow your imagination, then you could be heading for trouble, it is very easy to fall into the trap of believing your imagination, where you get to the stage where you only perceive things from a one way perspective.
Your imagination can get it all wrong, this can lead to you, winding yourself up to such a point that you end up confronting your partner with accusations and suspicion when they are completely innocent.
Once we buy into the perceptions of our imagination, it causes a negative emotional response and inevitably a negative outcome.
You don't want to be cheated on again, but you also don't want to live in fear of it happening again.
It is easy to misinterpret a situation to suit your own perceptions, your imagination is very powerful, it can paint a scenario that is believable and true to you but it is not true in actual reality.
You can become a victim of your own imagination, it becomes very easy to read into a situation, what suits you and what conforms to your own beliefs based on the bad experiences that happened to you.
For your own sake do not try and over analyze and work out what you think is happening, get on with your own life and try and trust your partner.
Follow your gut intuition, but do not follow, your over protective imagination, if you have any concerns try and talk it through with your partner instead of trying to second guess, because your imagination can be very convincing.
Overcoming Infidelity Professional Help
If you have been a victim of an affair then you will have been through the gamut of emotions. Whether you have saved your relationship or you have separated you will still need to overcome the trauma, hurt and pain.
Although you may just want to move on, if you don't deal with the psychological effects, then you will never really be free from the painful ordeal.
Getting over or through an affair is a process and even though you may want to get on with your life, your mind and your emotions can stand in your way of your future happiness. Before you can forgive someone and give them a second chance you first have to reestablish trust, that is the hard part.
To overcome adultery you really should seek professional help and guidance, counselling can help, but if you want successful overcome the trauma you need to free yourself from the pain of the past, otherwise it will negatively influence the quality of relationship or your future relationships.
Professional Help For Overcoming And Surviving Infidelity
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