No More Shying Away-How To Become More Socially Outgoing
- It is not safe to talk to strangers
- Little children should be seen and not heard
- Only speak when you are spoken to
- Do not speak out of turn
It has always been well known that extroverts generally live much happier and more successful
Edward C. Brewer, an associate professor in the Department of Organizational Communication at Murray State University, ran a study where he discovered that extroverts have a better chance at succeeding in life and in business.
His studies revealed that in the highest executive ranks of Fortune 1000 companies, you are more likely to find extroverts than introverts.
This demonstrates that extroverts are not only more socially confident plus they find it easier to approach, attract and keep the opposite sex, but on top of those advantages they are also more successful in their careers and they have a better chance at landing the higher paid jobs.
Becoming an extrovert will help to boost your overall happiness plus it will also help to further your career and job prospects.
But the advantages does not end there, because two professors at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina co-authored another study.
There aim was to determine whether introverts or extroverts achieved a better overall balance between work and family life.
The research revealed that the extroverts experience the most positive connections between work and family roles, they had a more positive attitude and outlook on life and overall they were far happier and confident than the introverts.
First of all there is nothing wrong with being shy or introvert and you should always love yourself for who you are and only then should you work towards becoming the best version of yourself.
Because it's perfectly OK to be quiet, but it should be by choice and not because you are being forced to play the character of your self image or because you're too afraid to speak up or join in the conversations when you secretly wish to.
Shyness can be a burden, and it can cause you to miss out on so much including career
Shyness is a state, it's a bit like being stuck in a trance. It causes you to play safe and make you hesitate and miss out to the point it can rob you of so many opportunities in life.
Although you want to be more extrovert still be yourself and don't wish to be somebody else and don't change just because you're fed up with people saying your quiet or shy.
Although you want to be more socially comfortable and outgoing you should still explore getting to know you better and you should always enjoy your own company at times when your on own.
Learn to enjoy your own company
Get out of your own head
Introverts and shy people are deep thinkers and there is nothing wrong with that if your thoughts are good feeling thoughts.
You may often find yourself drifting into a trance like inner day dream state even whilst they are in the company of other people.
If you're shy you probably spend a lot of your time living your life around your internal world exploring your thoughts and feelings.
This often has a negative impact on your life because sometimes introverts can over think situations.
They will try and plan and run through every eventuality in their minds first for every situation conceivable, especially social related ones instead of being more spontaneous and outwardly focused just doing things and taking things as they come.
The trouble is, most of your planning is worry based which leads to apprehension, anxiety and nervousness. Their forward planning of events can lead you to hesitation, avoidance or wanting to avoid social situations causing missed opportunities.
If you are an
If this is the case, try to keep out of your own head. Find new hobbies and interests or read more or just observe your environment, just do anything to take the focus off yourself.
The only exception to this rule is if you're saying positive and constructive encouraging and empowering statements to and about yourself and you should do that more often.
Give up the struggle with your fearful thoughts and feelings, because in most cases, fear does not protect you, in fact, it can draw you into an inner battle with your thoughts and feelings.
If you persist in fighting with your thoughts and emotions, then you will enter a long battle that you can never win, but once you learn to embrace your fearful thoughts and feelings you will soon become a master and victorious over them.
What protects you from fear is
- Being in the moment
- Inner peace and balance
- Focusing only on what you do want
- Love and all the positive emotions
So try not to monitor, deal with and control all your fearful thoughts and feelings because when you try to deal with your fearful emotions and thoughts this means that you're reacting to them and when you react to them you cause a resistance to them and we all know what we resist persists.
The way to feel less anxious is to freely allow and encourage your thoughts and feelings to continue whilst you just observe them and stay calm and not bothered by them because they only become a problem when you react badly to them.
Practice putting your attention outwardly, listen carefully to what others are saying, watch television or get out and observe nature and make sure you concentrate only on what's going externally to help improve your outward focus.
Your goal should be to feel good and you can start to feel good right now once you pay less attention to anything negative or anything that makes you feel bad and you pay all your attention to feeling good.
More than likely up until now you have probably spent most of your life accepting and living your character by the external shy labels, factors and perceptions you, your experiences and other people have given you until you bought into the belief that this is who you are.
The good thing about beliefs is they can be changed and when you change your beliefs you will change your
You have the choice at any moment to be more talkative, happy, outgoing and spontaneous and although it might take time for you to take on your new self image always, remember the person who you want to be is always available for you to access if you choose.
Your thoughts, actions and
You do not have to make massive changes, be yourself, but just create a new
Start to redefine yourself with new positive tags and labels and begin to write down and focus only on your good points and the things you do well at.
Your focus of attention and how you react to outside circumstances will determine what energy you will feel and what energy you feel from within will reflect how confident you come across on the outside.
Your roots of your shyness maybe you suffer with low self esteem and you may have some insecurities that you need to deal with.
Your low self esteem and your insecurities may stem from your childhood.
Perhaps you were made to feel less or you believed that you were not good enough or worthy enough which are simply not true or there may have been some experiences where you felt you did not handle well.
If you look good you will feel good, toning up your muscles, therefore keeping fit and looking your best is going to help you to project outer confidence.
Keep affirming to you, that you are
- Good enough
- Equal to others
- Worthy enough
Confident but poised body posture
Your body posture and language plays a role in shaping who you are and how you think and react in external situations. If you are shy and you lack self confidence in yourself, then your years of shyness may have caused you to
Inner shyness and anxiety reflects itself in your body, when you hold yourself in a relaxed but upright confident posture you will feel confident on the inside and you will project confidence on the outside.
Our thoughts, feelings and physiology are all linked together and they can all influence each other and they can influence our physiology and how we respond and how others respond to us.
This is a two way connection, your mind affects your body and our body posture can affect our mind.
If you notice, confident people with an upright, poised and relaxed posture also tend to be more assertive and positive, they also take more risks and chances.
If you're shy or anxious then you might find yourself feeling intimidated by others or even socially threatened, especially if you see them as being the confident and strong type which can cause you to close up where your body collapses and shrinks.
This cowardly and submissive posture can change your physiology and emotional state where your breathing becomes restricted, your head drops down into your chest and where you shrug and crunch your shoulders which is the submissive posture of insecurity and anxiety.
A guarded posture also signals weakness to others, it will also put you in a negative energy and a more negative mindset.
If you find yourself doing this then you need to open up a bit to a positive body posture and make yourself a bit wider and bigger to make yourself feel more confident.
However, this does not mean doing any tensing, stretching or straining into a stiff military posture either.
Because when you tense or straighten your spine, you will become less confident, so no sitting or standing to attention or trying to stand or sit up straight either.
Your aim in socially challenging situations should be to maintain a calm but assertive, relaxed, comfortable posture and mindset.
If you overdo it and tense or overstretch your body into an unnatural rigid and stiff posture you will feel more stressful and frustrated.
There are various power poses where you can open your body up for about two minutes or so to give you a confidence boost. Smiling can also help you to feel more relaxed and happy.
Although you should avoid hunching yourself up, you must not stiffen your body in a ridged posture either otherwise your muscles will stiffen because relaxed is the key to confidence and feeling comfortable.
Keep your muscles relaxed this means no stooping or stiffening.
You can put an immediate stop to the stress response as well as keeping your anxiety levels down by learning how to control your breathing and taking some slow deep breaths when you face a challenging situation.
Although shyness is closely linked to social anxiety and some people suffer with them both, shyness does not necessarily stop you from socializing however social anxiety can.
What causes shyness
So what causes shyness? Some people wrongly assume they are born shy, they tell themselves this is the way I am and even worst they accept it and wrongly believe there is nothing they can do to change it.
Your shyness is not your fault, it is a result of your conditioning, perhaps you were a little quiet and withdrawn when you were young, the chances are you were not encouraged to mix with other children as much as you should have.
If you were one of the youngest children you may have been pushed out a bit. Once the tag of being quiet was given to you, then you would have soon bought into this belief, after all
The more your parents and peers kept saying how quiet you are in front of you the more the belief would be programmed into your subconscious mind.
On top of this, your peers and teachers may have added to the belief, even our school reports focus on how quiet we are and whether we interact with other children.
Young children soak up and believe what grown ups and others say about them, once the seeds are sewn we respond to those suggestions and we believe without questioning or challenging the comments.
Once you believe you are shy, you play the shy character in your reality and that's what you become. It then becomes a part of your self image which sticks with you until you decide to change it.
So without knowing it, you have been conditioned to be shy, your parents and peers probably started it and you have carried the belief on.
As you mature and because you have a developed a self image of yourself as being shy then it can make you retreat into your shell and cause you to play the character of a shy person in your version of your game of life.
Do the things you want despite your fear
To move out of your shyness will involve stepping out of your comfort zone. This will mean you may need to spend more time outside and make more of an effort to speak to people and to speak more when you're in the company of others.
The old you will do everything it can to keep you in your comfort zone, including using emotions, but observe and feel the fear and carry on.
Learn to meditate to reduce your stress, worry and anxiety.
The more things you do and the more little risk you take each day the stronger and more powerful you will grow until you do it naturally. If you do something repeatedly eventually you will become it.
Learn how to identify your social fears and either work on improving your confidence in those situations or just learn how to face and overcome your fears, because if you don't face your fears then they will become your limitations.
To chip away at your fears start to challenge the beliefs behind them and start to change your inner self talk.
Your fears and insecurities are still probably preventing you from saying and doing the things you want or causing you a whole lot of nervous anticipation and dread.
Your fears are your mind's way of keeping you stuck in your comfort zone, but the truth is, if you don't start to take action your never going to be and do the things you want.
Never pull yourself down if you mess up, blush or make a mistake, just let it go and even praise yourself up even if things didn't go well.
Tell yourself how well you handled it to prevent creating a bad emotional memory.
Fear is your imagination tricking you into thinking that something bad could happen so you need to take some sort of preventive action. But you know that the reality is your social fears are unjustified.
Behind your fears are untrue beliefs, try and work on why you have these beliefs and instruct your mind that there is no logical reason for these beliefs. If you begin to feel fearful, do what you want despite how you feel.
Once the fearful feelings have been activated, you cannot deactivate them, nor should you try.
The more you try to avoid the social situation that scares you, and the more you try not think about the things that scare you, the more the fear increases.
This also includes the fear itself, but when you embrace your feelings and just feel them and you allow your mind to think the fearful thoughts without you resisting them, then the fear will start to decrease and it will put you in control.
Just label the feelings as energy and allow that energy to peak and pass whilst you just observe and acknowledge the shift in energy and just again, keep your attention outwardly focused and the fear will soon pass, resist it and it will get more intense
Develop some new social skills
Your shy because you have not yet learned the confidence, skills you require and anybody can develop their social skills. The main skill to master is the art of speaking confidently.
Socially anxious people tend to speak quickly to get what they have to say out of the way, their anxiety can also cause them to talk hurriedly and you may get tongue tied and even feel like stopping part the way through a conversation.
But don't, carry on even if you're not doing very well and in time you will get better, sometimes we have to fake it until we make it to become it which means doing more of the things you used to hold back on.
Remember what you have to say is important and valuable, so again control your breathing and deliberately slow your talking down and speak more slowly and clearly, if you notice your tone fading away raise it again so your speaking loudly and clearly.
Find a page on a book or magazine and then repeatedly practice reading out loud in front of the mirror or write down on a piece of paper what you want to speak about or write down a story about yourself and again read it out loud in front of the mirror.
Rehearse and prepare for challenging situations in your mind before the event, learn to control your breathing and body and be proud of who you are and what you have to say.
Overcoming shyness is all about taking small daily positive action steps both internally and externally which will make a huge difference to you over a period of time.
You have to push yourself, make more of an effort to join in the conversations, if you keep on pushing yourself then bit by bit you will progressively get better and better.
Don't allow fear to hold you back, fear cannot hold you back if you are prepared to confront it, but if you start to fear it, then it will control your life and actions, so do not be scared of feelings.
Getting rid of your shyness
The difference between confident people and shy people is. The confident and extrovert person will look forward to a social event or party, the
This is preconditioning themselves
On the other hand, the shy and anxious person will perceive the same situations completely
This is mentally programming themselves to feel nervous and anxious about the event and when the time comes they feel anxious, which destroys their confidence and they do not enjoy the occasion, this can lead to relying on alcohol to give them the confidence to socialize.
When you look forward to something it fills you with those good feeling positive emotions of excitement, joy, confidence and happiness which will suffocate those feelings of anxiety and nervousness, when
When you dread the thought of something it triggers negative emotions, more worry and anticipation and the urge to avoid the situation.
Get into the habit of looking forward to social events, feel excited about them and replace words like I don't like or dread with enjoy, like and love.
Practice leads to confidence, make an effort to join in the conversations more, read and learn more because the more you know the more you will have to talk about.
Try not to be perfect because trying to be perfect leads to self consciousness pain and anxiety, be yourself and grow in confidence at your own pace.
Get rid of all that negativity, learn to love and respect yourself. Change all that negative and critical inner self talk that makes you feel bad to positive and empowering inner self talk and notice how much better you feel.
Do not carry on feeding your mind with statements and stories that make you feel bad, because these self defeating thoughts are not you and they are not true they are just habits and bad patterns of thinking.
If people are nasty or critical towards you learn to let it go, do not buy into their harsh remarks otherwise you will feed your shyness and lower your self esteem and self worth.
If you can stand up for yourself in a calm and assertive manner, but don't hold onto the emotional hurt.
The only person that can hold you back is you
Ask yourself the question what's really holding you back and limiting your self confidence? The answer to that is fear, conditioning and undervaluing yourself.
What you have to say is worthwhile and matters, you know that you want to express yourself, but your feelings are preventing you from doing so, but you can override your feelings if you wish.
Replace the negative what if thoughts to positive what if thoughts, like what if everything goes well, this will shift your energy to a more positive state, such as what if I make a fool of myself to what if I come across as calm, bold and confident.
If other people give you praise it makes you feel good and boosts your confidence if they say negative things about you it can knock your confidence, the same applies with how you speak to yourself.
When you praise and say positive things to yourself it makes you feel good on the same token, if you say negative and self defeating things to yourself it makes you feel bad, so it makes sense to focus on more general and positive thoughts.
Human evolution has taught us to focus on the negative and if that's not bad enough, we then totally exaggerate and blow trivial things completely out of proportion to the extent where one negative experience can dominate and influence our patterns of thinking, our actions and
So in future ignore the negative and only focus on the positive and the all that is good in your life and this world, because you will always find what you search for the most.
If things wrong for you or if you make a mistake, it's no big deal just laugh it, let it go off and move forwards. Ask yourself how do you want to live your life?
It should be exciting, enjoyable and fun, if you're not living the life you want, then you have to do something about it.
Get more involved
Do you get annoyed when people keep saying things like, you don't say much, you're quiet and so on, irritating isn't it.
First, you have to want to change, don't change to suit what other people think about you, there is nothing wrong with being quiet if it suits you.
Do not allow other peoples opinions to mold and shape your self image, you decide who you want to be and how you want to feel, you determine how you want others to perceive you, tell your mind how you want to be.
Ask yourself what's really stopping you from being more outgoing and confident, the answer to that is probably fear and lack of self belief. But you are far more powerful than you think.
Push yourself, start to speak a little bit louder and
The more you do an action through repetition eventually your mind will accept that new you, and it will become a positive habit.
Don't just sit there waiting for people to speak to you first just make an effort to join in the conversations. Ask questions and direct the conversation onto others, try an be interested in what others like.
Stop caring what other people think or say
In order to grow in confidence and develop socially we sometimes need to think what the heck, then tell ourselves I know I can do this, I am not bothered what people think.
Avoid giving your attention to anything that causes negative resistance and emotions, practice thinking only about things that cause good feelings. To be more confident you need those good feeling emotions.
Keep pushing yourself bit by bit, it's all about conditioning yourself to be more bold and courageous, do and say things where normally you would hold back.
Practice being confident in front of a mirror, just by observing yourself looking confident can do wonders for you, this is what successful people do.
We are also told as children not to show ourselves up or make a fool of ourselves or don't speak until your spoken to, grow up. All these kind of remarks would condition us to be shy and introvert.
Shy and anxious people are constantly tormented and help back by their feelings of insecurity, sometimes we just have to be brave and say what the heck and then just do it.
Try to stop monitoring and gauging how you're feeling and how you're coming across, remember they are only feelings, they cannot prevent you from doing anything unless you give into them.
Imagine how good it would feel if everyone wants a piece of you, you're the center of attention and you enjoy it. We fear the things we hate or dread the most and if you have conditioned yourself to hate being the center of attention, then you will have attached danger and anxiety to it.
A shift in your perceptions can help, if you can start to enjoy and like being the center of attention, then that can help replace the negative emotions with positive ones, see and imagine yourself enjoying the attention.
The reality is your not actually scared of the attention, your scared of the negative feelings that you have attached to the situation, you see we only fear the things we attach emotion to.
If you can learn to be calm and just observe your feelings when you first start to feel a bit uncomfortable then you will become less sensitive to fear.
The positive benefits of being more extrovert
Being more extrovert will not only boost your confidence, members of the opposite sex will want to be around you, when you're popular and charismatic everyone will want to be your friend, and secretly they will all envy your confidence, charm and wit.
People will turn to you to seek your advice, they will want to indulge in your stories. You're strong, attractive, confident, radiating power will gain you respect, you will have the personality that everyone loves and adore.
If that already describes you, great, you're well aware of how this rare ability affords you an incredible lifestyle, fun and thrilling
But if that's not you, pay attention, because your shyness can cause you to miss out on the enjoyment you should be experiencing. And what's more, you can be that person, almost immediately.
In fact, if you're the type who shies away in the corner and tends to avoid social confrontation like so many people, the type who can't stand being the center of attention (but would love to) and is scared to death at the mere thought of standing up and speaking in front of a crowd of people then all is not lost.
Because you can turn yourself into a more confident person, for some developing confidence can take a lifetime, but if you are motivated and you put in the effort you can speed up the process.
See, the reason you're shy and introverted isn't because you're any less social, humorous, intelligent or charismatic than others. Many confident people aren't smart or charismatic at all. The only difference from you and the extrovert is they just don't fear what other people think of them.
As a child, you were conditioned to keep your mouth shut. You were ordered to obey authority figures like parents, teachers, adults. As a grown-up, this "learned"
The Fast Track Route To Becoming More Extrovert
This is a short article promoting the "Extrovert Me" program written by leading self help guru and creator of many of the worlds leading self help products Bradley Thompson.
You've been invited to a huge party. Great! Or could it be ... 'oh no'? For shy people a party can be something to fear. Listen to what Sharon P. of Dallas, Texas told me about shyness.
"I was so shy! If I walked into a crowded room I felt everyone was looking at me. I would turn red trying to have the most basic conversations. My self-confidence would plummet and more than once I have run out of a room in tears."
The extrovert, however, is the polar opposite to the shy person. They happily attract attention. They even want to meet you. They're confident, friendly, fun and lively, heck, they're irresistible to everyone they meet.
Which are you? Are you an extrovert or are you shy like Sharon used to be? If you're a shy person listen closely.'You weren't born shy and it's not your fault.' Contrary to what you've heard you are not naturally shy or anti-social.
Nobody is born 'shy'. It's a developed conditioned response. Best news? You can easily unlearn shyness and become one of the extroverts. Imagine that! Bouncing into the next social gathering without fear and beaming with confidence. It is possible I know it for a fact.
How do I know? How can I speak with any authority on becoming an extrovert? My name is Bradley Thompson and I researched the topic extensively before designing the program "Extrovert Me". I designed it to bring out the extrovert in you. It works!
Frankly, it's one of the most rewarding self-development programs I have been involved with in the past 12 years. Why? Because when I designed this program I knew I was creating something to change people's lives.
It has, it does, and it will for you too. If you are the slightest bit curious about what it would be like to be one of the extroverts then do what Sharon did before she banished her shyness forever.
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