Is Your Emotional Insecurities Destroying Your Relationship

Having constant feelings of insecurity in your relationship is not good for you or your partner's emotional well-being and it is not an ideal foundation for a long term happy, loving and fulfilling relationship.

There is nothing wrong with you if you feel insecure in your relationship because it shows you care, and after all, you really only want the security and peace of mind that everything is OK and everything will be OK in the future.

It is a natural human trait to want to feel secure and to know your relationship is safe and sound.

There is a downside though to feeling insecure in your relationship and that is, you will run the risk of destroying your relationship which is the exact opposite to what you want.

Your worries and anxieties concerning your partner will drive and fuel feelings of anxiety and even anger which will push you into questioning and monitoring your partner's every move which can end up driving him/her away.

Negative emotions such as worry and anxiety can cause your mind to search for the worst case scenario and look for problems that don't really exists.

Your imagination is very good at making things up and your mind can make you play the detective, where you are constantly trying to second guess what your partner is up to.

When you're insecure in your relationship, your mind will create negative thoughts and plant seeds of doubts and uncertainty. 

You can become so caught up and engaged with your thoughts and feelings that you will find it hard to distinguish between your imagination, your gut intuition or what is really happening in your reality.  
Why you must not always trust and follow your thoughts and imagination is because they can cause you to sabotage and ruin your relationship.

If you believe something to be true, regardless of whether it is true or false, then your mind will search for evidence to support those beliefs. 

You have to try and work out the difference between what you're imagining and what is actually taking place in reality.

Because it is a dangerous game trying to work out and monitor what you think is wrong or what you think your partner is up to all the time, and you will be causing yourself a whole lot of unnecessary misery and suffering which will not be healthy for your relationship.

Insecure people tend to believe their imagination more than reality and even worse, they act on and make their decisions which is based on false or inaccurate evidence that is being presented to them by their overactive imagination.

Your imagination is nothing more than a negative projection of all your inner worries and insecurities, which is taking place in your mind and not your actual reality. 

This means that you do not have to believe or trust your imagination, it is just an indication that you could be thinking about much better and pleasing things. 

When you allow your thoughts and feelings to call all the shots, they can push you into questioning and doubting you and your partner, making you want to feel constantly reassured all the time. 

This can lead to you feeling the need to keep checking up on your partner to help you to reassure your anxious and worried mind. 

The strong emotions, such as anger, anxiety, insecurity, suspicion and frustration, can cause you to  

  • Seek reassurance all the time 
  • Make you clingy 
  • Cause you to doubt and check up on your partner 
  • Lead to arguments 
  • Trying to figure out what your partner is up to 
  • Questioning the fact, has he/she gone off me or does he/she still love me
Feelings and emotions that are linked to insecurity can be very powerful and dictating if you allow them to simmer and gather momentum.

Because of these strong emotional drives, you won't be able to help yourself and you will probably end up saying things to your confused partner that you later regret or things that can damage your relationship.

If you feel insecure in your relationship, your mind will constantly search for evidence to back up your insecurities and your mind will find problems, even where problems don't actually exist.



Do your insecurities run deeper

If you are feeling insecure about your partner, then it can also force you to try and control them and get them to think and act how you want them to be.

Your insecurity in your relationship could be a by-product of some other deep insecurities that you still have about yourself that maybe you're not aware of.

It may be an indication that there may be many other parts of your life that are not reliable and it may mean that you do not have a very good relationship with yourself.

Life is full of insecurities and we often make the mistake of relying on material things such as our relationship, our jobs, money, and other material possessions to make us feel happy and secure.

This however is a recipe for disaster and hurt, because we are handing over all our power and happiness to others and other things and this breeds feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

Nothing in the physical world is guaranteed or secure and you can lose things at any given moment, including your partner. 

Because, if you allow your life to resolves around relying on your partner for all your happiness more than feeling good about yourself then this will breed insecurity.

Most people who are insecure in their relationship tend to hold many insecurities about themselves.

Many deep down, think that they are not good enough, worthy enough or deserving. 

If this is the case, then, it will need addressing, each morning and before you go to bed, stand in front of the mirror and say ten times, 

  • I am good enough 
  • I am worthy enough 
  • I like myself
Although you would like to have the certainty that you and your partner will live happily ever after, you simply cannot have that guarantee and if you totally rely on your partner to determine your happiness then you run the risk of a life of more emotional insecurity and suffering.

What you cannot ever lose though, is your ability to feel good regardless of any outside person, situation, thing or possession. 

You may stop together with your partner for the rest of your life, but this is not just about your relationship, it is also about you as well.

If you want to invest some time in feeling more secure and happy, then some of that time should be spent on working on feeling good about yourself and growing. 

Because the only thing that is ever secure is the love that your inner being has for you, and when you're feeling insecure your going against what your inner being knows is best for you, so make peace with yourself and your relationship will take care of itself. 

Learn to love and form a good relationship with yourself because your inner being is the only thing that you can truly rely on, and nothing can ever take that away from you.

What you do have full total control over is, your own happiness, your future, your thought processes and your feelings and it is equally important to love yourself as much as you love your partner.

Your relationship should not be the means to your happiness, your happiness should be the means to a great relationship.

You might want to ask yourself?

Are you just feeling insecure about your partner or do your insecurities run much deeper. 

Because there could be some other underlying insecurities that you hold about yourself that could be the root cause of your relationship insecurities.

This can be thinking that you're not worth or good enough or it could be a sign that you undervalue yourself or you have a low opinion of yourself.

It is equally if not more important to love and feel good about yourself than it is to devote all your feelings and love to just your partner.

There is no one more important to you than you, and learning to like, respect and appreciate yourself are necessary ingredients for having a wonderful and loving relationship and life.

It is great to be in a loving and happy relationship, but what matters the most to you is the love that you have for yourself.

It is not wise to totally rely on your partner to determine how you feel, because they will have their own mood swings, issues and problems to deal with.

Feeling insecure is unattractive and a bad way to live your life, you will be more attractive if you start to feel good about yourself and your partner will thank you for it.

You can remain in a long term loving relationship, but the best recipe for a successful and happy relationship is to start to address your own relationship and personal insecurities as well as dealing with your relationship insecurities.



Release your insecurities and begin to enjoy your relationship

When you're feeling insecure in your relationship, it actually spoils your relationship and prevents you from enjoying what should be a happy and fulfilling experience.

Insecurity, will also erode, your quality of life, and your emotional well-being, often forcing you to try and have full control and assert all the power over your partner's behaviours, actions and life.

In a good happy and solid relationship, the two partners, see themselves as equals, and they display, trust and they co-operate with each others.

In a good and happy relationship, you should enjoy doing things together, but at times, you should also allow them to pursue their own interests and hobbies, and to a degree, do their own things.

To avoid conflict and to reduce your insecurities, have a conversation with your partner about the things that you both like doing. 

If there is something bothering you, do not bottle it up, talk to your partner, in a calm manner, about what it is that is bothering you.

Once you find out what they like doing, so long as what they are doing is innocent, don’t try to change or stop them. 

Many experts suggest that you make sacrifices in your relationship, but this can cause resentment and add more pressure.

So sometimes it is better, to allow them to do the things they enjoy, as long as it is not excessive, and as long as you both, spend some quality time together. 

At the same time, spend some time doing the things that you like and enjoy. You have not got to spend, all your time together.

The key is, to meet each other halfway, instead of trying to be with your partner, or to constantly want to keep tabs on them, all the time, just to ease your own insecurities and doubts.

When you begin to release your insecurities, and you let go of the need to control, monitor and you stop becoming so clingy, then you will free yourself up, to enjoy doing some of the things that you like, which should work wonders for your relationship.

You're only insecure because you seek certainty and you fear the consequences

One of the reasons why you're feeling insecure is because you think there is a consequence or a price to pay.

The consequences usually resolve around 

  • The fear that your relationship is breaking down 
  • The fear that your partners are having or they might have an affair
  • The fear they are losing interest in you

If you're feeling insecure about your relationship then there is little point in torturing yourself, perhaps it might help you to ask yourself?

Would it be the end of the world if your relationship broke down, because in some cases, people can find more happiness after they split up and they go on to find a more suitable partner or it leads to a better life. 

This does not mean that you should give up on your current relationship, but just by accepting that your relationship might end and you're OK with that, can ease some of your insecurities.

Anxiety is fuelled by the need for certainty, but you cannot always have the certainty that you're seeking. 

The need to have the certainty that you and your partner will stay together forever, can be the very thing that ends up destroying your relationship.  

If you accept, you cannot have the relationship certainty that you're after, but you let yourself know whatever happens, you'll be OK, then you will begin to take away some of those feelings of insecurity.

Then you will have taken a big step in dealing with your relationship insecurities, and the good thing is, because you will be feeling better you'll relationship will actually benefit from this.

You feel insecure because you cannot look beyond the consequences of a break up, and although you don't want to split up, by letting your mind know you can handle and cope with it you will actually be giving your relationship a much better chance to flourish and sparkle.

By accepting the worse case scenario and dealing with it, you will show to your mind that the consequences are not that bad, and if the worst scenario, did happen, you can handle it and it's not the end of your world.

Just by doing this it can calm you down, leaving you to focus on better things, and very often what you will find when you cease worrying and thinking about your relationship.

This will take all the stress and pressure off you and your partner, and you will probably find, that, your relationship will grow stronger. 

The breeding ground for anxiety and insecurity, is all the uncertainty, self doubting and the not knowing, but sometimes in life you cannot always have the guarantee you're seeking. 

But if you can reassure your mind that, you can come through, the breakdown of your relationship and you can still enjoy your life, then this will allow you to enjoy the time you have with your partner.



Is your past robbing you of feeling good now

If you have been previously cheated on or you have been let down or hurt before, then this can drive and fuel your fears and insecurities.

One of the root causes of insecurity in relationships is having a negative past relationship experience.

If you have been hurt, deceived or cheated on in your past or your present relationship, then that is bound to make you feel a bit insecure because it is a very unpleasant and painful experience to endure and go through. 

There is usually an after effect of being cheated on, if it has happened to you before then you will be on your guard in the future, you will know how to spot all the signs so if a similar incidence occurs you will pounce on it straight away because of your now new suspicious mind. 

This is not your fault, you were not the one who cheated and because of all the hurt, then you naturally don't want it to happen again.

The only problem is, just because it happened once does not necessarily mean it will happen again. 

But our past bad relationships or our negative experiences in our current relationship can leave us feeling vulnerable or insecure.

Anxiety and insecurity thrive off the fear of something bad happening, but if you tame down the consequences, then you will cut off the fuel supply to your fears.

Anxiety and worry will rob you of living your life in the peace and happiness of the now, our bad experiences can make us live our lives in the past and they can make you afraid and insecure about the future. 

When you're feeling insecure and anxious then the part of your mind that deals with emotions will begin to increasingly exaggerate the risks and keep you stuck in a negative state of blowing up everything out of proportion. 

This is why it is just as important to solve your own insecurities and work on yourself as it is to work on your relationship. 

Some typical negative thoughts are

  • This is too good to last 
  • Everything always goes wrong for me 
  • I am driving him/her away 
  • I cannot stand the thought of losing him/her 
  • He/she is losing interest in me
  • He/she is more interested in their friend/hobbies 
  • Has he met someone else 
  • What's he/she up to/planning 
  • Why is he/she quiet 
  • What can I do

Insecurity is a form of anxiety and when you feel anxious your mind will search for reasons and meanings to validate your fears and insecurities. 

If you believe something to be true, regardless of whether it is true or false, then your mind will search for evidence to support those beliefs. 

If you don't know exactly what they're doing, it can make you suspicion, causing your mind to fill in the blanks.

This may cause you to constantly monitor your partner and question what they're doing, what you think is wrong or what they're up to. 

But remember you're not a mind reader so be careful not to read into something that is not accurate or even true because the human mind is very good at making things up.

This may lead you to constantly question and probe your partner and to seek reassurance that they still love you or everything is fine. 

When were worried and anxious we tend to ignore the logical reasons and only focus on the worst case scenario's.

Some typical types of questions could be 

  • What have I done to upset you
  • What's wrong with you 
  • Have you gone off me 
  • Do you still love me 
  • You'll never leave me will you

Below is an article written by relationship insecurity expert Mark Tyrrell.

How Neediness And Emotional Insecurity Destroys Relationships

"Please, clouds, don't rain!" Not going to work, is it?

And neither will trying to reassure someone who just can't be reassured. They will go on fretting, no matter how you plead.

Chronic insecurity in your relationship is a major problem. 

Why? Because relationships really, deeply matter. Your health, your wellbeing, your happiness are affected by your relationships more than any other factor. And your most intimate relationships have the biggest effect of all.

It's not just the insecure person who suffers

Feeling insecure in a relationship is horrible for the one who is feeling the insecurity. The burden - of fear and obsessive thoughts, of feeling powerless, of awful awareness that all this insecurity may actually itself be destroying what you treasure most - can feel pretty unbearable.

But it's also tough for the person on the receiving end of all that insecurity. The truth is that being involved with a really insecure person can be hell.

This article highlighted what a common problem insecurity is

I wrote an article a while back on overcoming insecurity in relationships and was inundated with feedback from all over the world. 

The scores of comments on the article itself were just the tip of the iceberg. My inbox overflowed with hundreds more private emails from people wracked by feelings of relationship insecurity.

That article, which explores the reasons for insecurity and offers practical tips to help overcome it, eventually became the springboard for the development of the new 10 steps to overcoming insecurity in relationships course. 

My article was mainly addressed to those who are themselves feeling insecure in a relationship; but I also got - and still get - hundreds of emails from people who have extremely insecure partners

A common recurring theme of these accounts is how isolating it can feel to find yourself in a relationship with someone who is deeply insecure. And this is one major reason why extreme insecurity can be so damaging.

Why reassuring your insecure partner is almost a lie

Because 'reassurance' is what insecure people want most, and anyone can say reassuring things, it's all too easy for partners (and friends) to offer reassurances that everything is "really okay" in the relationship even when it isn't.This is a kind of denial. 

And - ironically - the reasons it might not be okay are often the product of the insecurity itself.

Sometimes the only genuine problem in a relationship is the emotional insecurity of one partner and the effect that has on the relationship as a whole. 

But it's easy to fall into a pattern of always pretending everything is fine, even when the insecurity becomes really damaging. Such pretense becomes isolating and can drive partners further apart. This is how insecurity can damage or even destroy the relationship.

Relationships thrive on intimacy, and intimacy stems from feeling you can safely be yourself with your partner. So what does it feel like to be in a relationship with a very insecure partner?

Worrying about relationship breakup creates it

Insecurity stemming from a fear of losing intimacy can actually bring on that loss of intimacy. Jake, a former client, described it like this:

"I actually feel totally disconnected from Sara now. She doubts my every word, doesn't believe me when I say I've been working, and constantly misinterprets what I say. 

It's driving me nuts! And the angrier I get, the more insecure she gets. I can't win! I've tried being sympathetic, but now everything has to be on her terms, I have to ask myself all the time - is this going to upset her or not?"

Jake told me how he had started to feel very lonely in his relationship, like he had no one to talk to, because "Talking to Sara is like walking on egg shells - will I say the wrong thing? Will she take it the wrong way?"

He, like many who are close to someone so insecure, found himself getting more and more emotionally distant from Sara. He felt less able to speak to her about how he felt, and less able to relax around her.

 Loneliness isn't about being alone so much as feeling alone with others - because you feel misunderstood by them - and that's how Jake now felt with Sara. 

He'd begun to feel trapped, finding it hard to be around her but also hard not to be around her, because he knew how painful it was for her to be wondering where he was or whom he was with.

The painful truth is that insecurity can lead to the death of intimacy in a relationship - the fear of losing something can actually bring about that loss. 

Trying to force intimacy or love - demanding to know how someone feels, what they are thinking, who they've been talking to, what they are doing - can just drive them further from you.

So what should you do if you are in a relationship with a really insecure person?

How to tell if you have a truly insecure partner

It's vital to figure out whether the person you are with is genuinely excessively insecure. Some jealousy and insecurity is actually normal in most relationships from time to time - especially in the early stages. 

Insecure people are often insecure about their insecurity, because they instinctively know how damaging it can be.

But if insecurity is a constant and central feature of the relationship then, yes, it is a problem and a potential cause of breakdown. Of course you can reassure your partner, reason with them, and be gentle and loving toward them, but it's important not to make too many adaptations for them. 

This was the mistake Jake made. He had completely stopped spending any time with his friends without Sara. He rang her on the hour, every hour, when he had to work late. 

He told her he loved her so many times a day that it was more like a chore rather than a genuine expression of how he felt. And after a while the relationship no longer felt real to him.

If the relationship becomes all about reassuring and not upsetting the insecure partner, you and your needs get sidelined to the point that the relationship can start to feel meaningless for you. Jake and Sara's relationship only improved once.

Sara herself addressed her insecurity, and learned to trust and relax more with not "having to know" what Jake was thinking or doing all the time. Her self esteem improved and, in turn, he then felt more valued, and no longer trapped or forced to behave in prescribed ways. At last he was being listened to and respected again.

If your insecure partner has enough insight to know they need to change, then you really can encourage them to make those changes that could make such a difference for both of you. Ultimately, no one should have to be constantly "on call" to their partner, or emotionally isolated by them. Good relationships are reciprocal, not one-sided. 

They flourish when partners trust each other, accept each other, give each other space, forgive each other for failings - and enjoy each other. You and your partner both deserve that. Read more about 10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships by Mark Tyrrell

Everybody has arguments, they serve little purpose or gain though, and they can destroy a relationship, the best thing you can do is learn how to walk away from an argument before it gets out of control, because there are no winners in an argument only two sorry losers whose egos and pride can cost them a good relationship.

Notes

  1. See: Wikipedia entry: Exposure therapy
  2. See: Wikipedia entry: Flooding


Emotional Neediness And Being Addicted To Love

When you become too insecure in your relationships it can indicate that you have become addicted to love where you may have reached a point of coming across as too needy, clingy and desperate which can be very unattractive to your partner.    

Love is a very powerful emotion and it becomes even more powerful at times when you have become separate from a loved one or you think you're about to lose the love of your life. 

This can drive you to desperate measures and irrational thinking patterns, actions and behaviours.

Some of the reasons that can make you become addicted to love is because somewhere along the way you may feel some of your emotional needs were not properly met or you do not like or love yourself as much as you should.

This can cause you to seek constant reassurance and security from your partner because it is the only way you have to balance and stabilize their emotions.

Channel Your Love In Other Ways

You cannot always rely and depend on your partner to give you the full undivided attention and emotional security that you seek. 

The reason being is, they are far to often tied up with their own issues and interests, so no one is going to devote all their attention and give you the love you want and you feel you need all the time. 

Love is a very powerful emotion to a point where the need to feel loved and wanted can start to disrupt your whole life where you might reach a point where you get to the stage where you're constantly yearning for love to much.

Maybe you have been hurt in the past or maybe you have lost someone you love and you are trying to recapture that love, connection and good times, perhaps you have been cheated on and that is driving your insecurities.

Your desire to be loved could stem back from your early childhood, perhaps you felt neglected or unloved when you were young and that has made you yearn and crave love now.

To make matters worse you may get envious of your friends and other people who you think are in a perfect relationship causing you to question, is there something wrong with you and asking yourself why does everything always go wrong for me. This can leave you stuck in a seemingly never ending negative cycle.

Before you can have a happy and secure relationship you need to have a good relationship with yourself first and if you're a person who craves to be loved then you should first start to channel some of your love in other directions including on yourself.

Turn your inner passion, love and creativity into pursuing your true purpose, many famous writers, artists and musicians use their inner feelings to drive them to success and do more things of the things you love.

You will often find that when you come to terms with your own insecurities and you be yourself and you put more attention into loving yourself and feeling good without having any external conditions attached then your life will start to improve.

Because when your relationship with yourself improves your relationship with your partner or the opposite sex will improve as well. 

And although your goal is to have a loving and fulfilling relationship with your partner is not going to be there all the time, so you need to enjoy and make the most of your free time and put it to good use instead of digging up your insecurities and torturing yourself.

Give Up The Need To Try To Control Everything

Your relationship insecurity can cause you to try to control your partner making you come across as bossy and to dominate

When people are insecure and because of its links to anxiety, it can cause you to want to have a feeling of certainty that everything will always be OK.

But unfortunately the need for certainty can lead to more worry, stress and tension and even anger which can cause even more problems in your relationship.   

You have to accept that you cannot have everything on your terms and the more you try and control your partner and your outside situations the worst you tend to make things.

It is far better to learn how to control your internal world and dialogue because when you master how to control your thoughts and emotions, then you will find that you will begin to calm down which will have a positive impact on your relationship.

Sometimes the insecure person will issue about their looks and their bodies and because they are insecure about their looks they will constantly look to their partners to seek approval and validate how good they look. 

Even when their partner tells them that they look great, the insecure partner will not accept the nice comments.   

They will often instantly dismiss or contradict the compliments by saying things like, no I don't, I look fat or I look ugly, this does not suit me. 

It can be very frustrating and annoying for your partner, especially when their compliments are genuine and sincere, so accept all the nice things they say to you.

Yet if you are happy with yourself and happy in your own skin you won't need or seek out reassurance all the time with your partner. 

The key is, accept what you cannot change and improve on the things you can.    

If you keep putting yourself down and being harsh on yourself, that is what will become your self image which eventually will become a part of you and your reality. 

So isn't it time you started being nice to yourself and when you love and accept yourself completely, then the good thing is you will begin to feel more secure in your relationship. 

Remember the thoughts you have about yourself and your relationships will determine your actions and decisions that can determine the future outcome of your relationship and your life. 

Trust Your Intuition, Not Your Imagination

Sometimes there may be a valid reason or you may have an underlying niggling suspicion about what your partner is up to or how they are treating you, perhaps they're behaving oddly or acting differently and this could be why you feel a bit insecure.

The trouble is, our mind hates the not knowing, so when we feel a bit insecure or unsure about something then our mind and our imagination will try and second guess and fill in the blanks for us.

The only trouble with our imagination is, it is not very accurate or reliable, most of the time it blows things out of proportion and it makes things up based on the information it is fed or the data it has collected from your previous experiences. 

When we believe something is not right, regardless of whether we're right or wrong, or if we believe what we think or suspect is true.

Then our mind will search for evidence to back up our claims and suspicions, things that conform to our beliefs. Our imagination will use this information as feedback and then it will just make things up by creating negative stories in our mind.

The things to remember is, do not always trust or follow your imagination, otherwise it will endlessly torment you and cause you grief and stress.

Try to listen to and follow your intuition rather than your imagination. If you find your imagination is starting to create a story in your head to match your uncertainty over a situation regarding your partner, then just pause for a minute or two, and say to yourself.

What am I creating here, what evidence or grounds in reality do I actually have to back up these beliefs and idea's. 

Then, instead of winding yourself up, take a break, go and relax and then reassess the situation or try and look at it from a more objective perspective or a different possibility or let it go. If you're still concerned, when you have calmed down, have a talk with your partner.

Trust In Yourself And Your Life

 Trust plays a massive role in the success of a relationship, this means trusting your partner and learning to have trust in yourself and your unique qualities.  

Learn to believe and value yourself, trust everything always works out right if you get out of the way and you allow things to work out without you trying to control everything including your partner. 

Trust is vital if you want to end all your relationship insecurities, things that cause you to lose your trust are, being the victim of an affair and having a low opinion of yourself. Try not to get too jealous unless it is really warranted, especially if your partner talks, admires or looks at the opposite sex. 

Everybody talks to the opposite sex now and again and everybody looks at them, including you, either discreetly or more blatantly especially the pictures of models or celebrities so try not to come across as jealous.

Remember beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and they have chosen to be with you for a reason, it's usually called love. 

You will have a developed a special bond between you and your partner, the moment you show your insecurities is the moment you will begin to chip away at that special bond.

If you have deep insecurities then you need to address them and the sooner you deal with your insecurities the better otherwise you run the risk of causing a breakdown in the trust you have with your partner which can in time cause a unrecoverable rift between you. 

It is far better to work on improving your relationship instead of trying to destroy all the good you already have. 

Some people who feel insecure in their relationships wrongly presume that their partners have lost interest in them especially if they spend a lot of time pursuing their interests or working long hours. 

Your partner and you should be allowed to enjoy doing their own things and being too possessive is a sign of insecurity.

But everybody should be entitled to do their own things and it does not necessarily mean they have lost interest in you and you can have separate interests yet you can still have a healthy and loving relationship.

Don't allow your own relationship insecurity and doubts from robbing you of a perfectly good and healthy relationship.



 




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